Category Archives: Food

Next Time You’re in a Nuclear Meltdown, You Might Want to Eat Some Broccoli

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The Silkwood Shower of the future might be a plate of vegetables.

November 4, 2013

Willy Blackmore

Willy Blackmore is TakePart’s Food editor. He has written for The Awl, LA Weekly, and elsewhere.
Broccoli May Protect People From Radiation Sickness
(Living in Monrovia/ Flickr)

When Hollywood eventually gets around to cannibalizing Silkwood, the Meryl Streep-starring 1983 film about corporate malfeasance at a plutonium plant in Oklahoma, a vegetable may end up playing a role in the infamous shower scene.

Instead of having Streep’s character abraded with a stiff brush after radiation exposure, a new version of the Mike Nichols movie might show the leading lady locked in a room full of broccoli, eating plate after plate of the cruciferous vegetable.

That’s if the initial research published last month by a group of scientists from Georgetown University Medical Center proves to be as applicable to humans as it is to mice. The study, published by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, finds that broccoli, long championed for its cancer-fighting properties, may be uniquely equipped to help prevent and treat radiation sickness.

The Silkwood shower-like chemical hiding within the vegetable, a radioprotector, is known as diindolylmethane (DIM), which blocks healthy cells from irradiation. According to the report, the chemical “protected rodents against lethal doses of total body irradiation . . . whether DIM dosing was initiated before or up to 24 hours after radiation.”

The survival rate was 40 percent for mice who were given an initial dose of the radioprotector within 4 hours, and 30 percent for those who received their first DIM after 24 hours.

The research points to another application outside of an accidental radiation exposure context that could change the way cancer is treated. While the DIM protects healthy cells, it leaves cancerous cells unprotected, leaving them to fry. It’s conceivable that giving cancer patients DIM (or just a whole ton of broccoli?) could help with “preventing or mitigating late normal tissue damage to partial body radiation exposures” during chemotherapy. Professor Michael Fenech, who studies nutrigenomics, told the Australian website News.com.au that the study hinted that DIM could “allow higher doses of radiation to be used to increase the certainty that the cancer is eliminated.”

If broccoli’s growing array of health benefits—it’s also been credited with, to varying degrees, protecting heart vessels, decreasing the risk of bladder cancer, fighting arthritis and helping prevent skin cancer—hasn’t convinced you to move from the President George Bush-led camp of devoted haters and become its champion, a la President Barack Obama, then try cooking it this way.

Even if you don’t like it, you might be better prepared to weather the nuclear fallout.

Hybridized Grass Begins Releasing Cyanide, Kills Texas Cattle

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Hybridized Grass Begins Releasing Cyanide, Kills Texas Cattle

This entry was posted on August 14, 2013 at 11:59 am

Hybridized Grass Begins Releasing Cyanide, Kills Texas Cattle

When a herd of cattle suddenly died in Central Texas investigators were dispatched to the scene to investigate and now preliminary test results are blaming the animals deaths on the genetically modified grass the cows were consuming.

The cows which were grazing on an 80-acre patch owned by Jerry Abel in Elgin, Texas died several weeks ago.

Abel tells CBS Station KEYE that the grass should have been perfect since it had “a lot of leaf, it’s good grass, tested high for protein – it should have been perfect.”

The grass was a form of Bermuda known as Tifton 85 and it has been around for 15 years on the Abel farm. Unfortunately something went horribly wrong several weeks ago and according to Abel:

“When our trainer first heard the bellowing, he thought our pregnant heifer may be having a calf or something. But when he got down here, virtually all of the steers and heifers were on the ground. Some were already dead, and the others were already in convulsions.”

It turns out that the grass for some unknown reason began producing cyanide gas which is poisonous to cattle.

Other farms quickly began testing their fields and while no other cattle deaths have been reported at least several farmers found toxic cyanide in their Tifton 85 grass.

According to the Examiner the grass which has suffered from drought conditions for the last several years is now being dissected by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to see if some type of strange mutation may have occurred.

Update: The original report we received stated that the grass was a GMO version of Tifton 85. In fact it was a hybridized version of the product.

Original source of the article: http://beforeitsnews.com/mass-animal-death/2013/06/genetically-modified-grass-begins-releasing-cyanide-kills-texas-cattle-2432208.html

Image Credits

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McDonald's Chicken McNuggets Found To Contain Mysterious Fibers, Hair-like Structuresby Mike Adams, the Health Ranger

naturalnews.com

(NaturalNews) Today we announce the first investigation conducted at the Natural News Forensic Food Laboratory, the new science-based research branch of Natural News where we put foods under the microscope and find out what’s really there.

Earlier today I purchased a 10-piece Chicken McNuggets from a McDonald’s restaurant in Austin, Texas. Under carefully controlled conditions, I then examined the Chicken McNuggets under a high-powered digital microscope, expecting to see only processed chicken bits and a fried outer coating.

But what I found instead shocked even me. I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff in my decade of investigating foods and nutrition, but I never expected to find this…

Strange fibers found embedded inside Chicken McNuggets

As the following photos show, the Chicken McNuggets were found to contain strange fibers that some people might say even resemble so-called “Morgellon’s.”

We found dark black hair-like structures sticking out of the nugget mass, as well as light blue egg-shaped structures with attached tail-like hairs or fibers.

These are shown in extreme detail in the photos below, taken on August 15, 2013 at the Natural News Forensic Food Lab. The actual Chicken McNugget samples used in these photos have been frozen for storage of forensic evidence.

We also found odd red coloring splotches in several locations, as well as a spherical green object that resembles algae.

We are not claiming or implying that these objects in any way make McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets unsafe to consume. We do, however, believe that this visual evidence may warrant an FDA investigation into the ingredient composition of Chicken McNuggets.

In particular, where are the hair-like structures coming from? This is especially important to answer, given that chickens do not have hair. Is there cross-species contamination in the processing of Chicken McNuggets? This question needs to be answered.

Share this story with everyone you know.

See my video at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fuL-E2hPlc

Or if YouTube censors the video, watch it at our free-speech video site, TV.naturalnews.com:
http://tv.naturalnews.com/v.asp?v=151BC31144DF47CE1D85FB664CCC2A65

Microscopic photos reveal an alien-like landscape with weird shapes and fibers

Here are the some of the photos from the Natural News Forensic Food Lab:

Chicken-McNugget-01
Chicken-McNugget-03
Chicken-McNugget-07
Chicken-McNugget-10
Natural News Forensic Food Lab has now released a second round of “mysterious fiber” photos of Chicken McNuggets, in addition to the photos you see above.
Image Credits: naturalnews.com

Read More At http://www.getholistichealth.com/36107/mcdonalds-chicken-mcnuggets-found-to-contain-mysterious-fibers-hair-like-structures/

McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets Found To Contain Mysterious Fibers, Hair-like Structures

27 Easy Ways To Eat Healthier

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27 Easy Ways To Eat Healthier

Don’t punish yourself with a cleanse or something equally awful. Just make real food better for you with these yummy substitutions.

1. Bananas, eggs, and peanut butter are all you need to make healthy, gluten-free pancakes.

 

Bananas, eggs, and peanut butter are all you need to make healthy, gluten-free pancakes.

Lots of protein and lots of happiness! Recipe here.

2. Dates are a great way to naturally sweeten smoothies and shakes.

 

Dates are a great way to naturally sweeten smoothies and shakes.

You can drink this date, banana, and coconut shake for breakfast with a clean conscience.

3. Put fruit compote on pancakes or waffles instead of butter and syrup.

 

Put fruit compote on pancakes or waffles instead of butter and syrup.

Try this recipe for Chai pancakes with cranberry compote.

4. Upgrade sandwiches by spreading them with avocado instead of mayo.

 

Upgrade sandwiches by spreading them with avocado instead of mayo.

Yeah, no, for real, mayo can take a hike. Avocado can be the main event of the sandwich too: This chickpea and avocado sando is better and better for you than some slimy cold-cut deal.

5. Swap crispy baked zucchini for the usual fries.

 

Swap crispy baked zucchini for the usual fries.

You can find lots more awesome baked snack alternatives here.

Source: peggy

6. Snack on frozen grapes instead of candy or cookies.

 

Snack on frozen grapes instead of candy or cookies.

Each one is like a tiny, perfect popsicle! Freeze them in a sealed plastic bag so they don’t dry out.

7. Cut the fat in dip way down by using Greek yogurt instead of sour cream.

 

Cut the fat in dip way down by using Greek yogurt instead of sour cream.

And dip veggies instead of chips, while you’re at it. Try this recipe for creamy Green Goddess dip.

8. Use Greek or regular yogurt instead of mayo in tuna, chicken, and egg salad.

 

Use Greek or regular yogurt instead of mayo in tuna, chicken, and egg salad.

Better in every way. Get a recipe for curried chicken salad here.

9. Sprinkle nutritional yeast on popcorn instead of cheese.

 

Sprinkle nutritional yeast on popcorn instead of cheese.

Nutritional yeast has a rep as a weird hippie ingredient (you can find it at organic/health food stores or order online) but it’s absolutely worth keeping around. It has a great umami flavor that’s very cheese-esque, lots of protein and fiber, and zero fatty cheese-induced guilt.

Source: caspost.com

10. Use potatoes or cashews (instead of cream) to make blended soups smooth and creamy.

 

Use potatoes or cashews (instead of cream) to make blended soups smooth and creamy.

This broccoli soup is vegan on the DL.

11. Make a healthy, low-carb pizza crust with cauliflower.

 

Make a healthy, low-carb pizza crust with cauliflower.

This is not a trap! It’s legit delicious. Recipe here.

12. Swap meat for whole grains (quinoa, bulgur, etc.) or mushrooms to make chili healthier.

 

Swap meat for whole grains (quinoa, bulgur, etc.) or mushrooms to make chili healthier.

Here are a bunch of great vegetarian chili recipes to try.

13. Use oatmeal instead of breadcrumbs to make healthier meatballs and meatloaf.

 

Use oatmeal instead of breadcrumbs to make healthier meatballs and meatloaf.

Whole grain powerrrr! Try this recipe for healthy spaghetti and meatballs.

14. Peel zucchini into ribbons to make healthy veggie “spaghetti.”

 

Peel zucchini into ribbons to make healthy veggie "spaghetti."

Also great for gluten-free or paleo diets. A handy julienne peeler like this makes it easy. Get the recipe here.

15. You can thinly slice zucchini or eggplant to make pasta-free lasagna.

 

You can thinly slice zucchini or eggplant to make pasta-free lasagna.

You won’t miss ’em, promise. Recipe here.

16. Cauliflower makes an amazing healthy alternative to rice.

 

Cauliflower makes an amazing healthy alternative to rice.

Finely chop the cauliflower in a food processor, then cook for a few minutes. You might never go back! Get the recipe here.

17. Spaghetti squash does a very convincing impression of almost any noodle.

 

Spaghetti squash does a very convincing impression of almost any noodle.

Try it in Pad Thai. Recipe here.

18. Bake crispy chicken with almonds instead of flour or breadcrumbs.

 

Bake crispy chicken with almonds instead of flour or breadcrumbs.

This easy recipe makes a coating out of almonds, garlic, and paprika.

19. Try using lettuce to wrap tacos instead of tortillas.

 

Try using lettuce to wrap tacos instead of tortillas.

Bibb or Boston lettuce works very nicely. Get the recipe for these black bean tacos with mango-avocado salsa here.

20. You can bake high-protein, gluten-free brownies with black bean puree instead of flour.

 

You can bake high-protein, gluten-free brownies with black bean puree instead of flour.

Don’t worry, they don’t taste like beans. They taste fudgy and awesome. Recipe here.

21. Avocado is a great substitute for butter in baking.

 

Avocado is a great substitute for butter in baking.

This chocolate cake is healthy and vegan and proud of it.

22. Applesauce can replace oil (and some sugar) to make healthier cakes.

 

Applesauce can replace oil (and some sugar) to make healthier cakes.

You can start by replacing half the fat with an equal volume of applesauce (instead of 1 cup oil, use ½ cup oil and ½ cup applesauce) and see how it works, then tweak the balance up or down next time. This works well for quick breads (muffins, banana bread, etc.) and cakes, but not for drier baked goods like cookies. Try a recipe for healthy devil’s food cake here.

Source: gourmet.com

23. You can whip and freeze evaporated milk to make healthy two-ingredient ice cream.

 

You can whip and freeze evaporated milk to make healthy two-ingredient ice cream.

No machine necessary! Get the recipe here.

24. Try using almond flour instead of wheat flour in baking recipes.

 

Try using almond flour instead of wheat flour in baking recipes.

It’s nutty and delicious and you get to skip the refined-flour energy spike. Almond flour is heavier, so you may want to start by replacing half of the regular flour in a recipe, or add a little extra leavening (eggs, baking powder, etc.) to help it rise. Get tips and a recipe for these blueberry muffins here.

Source: sheknows.com

25. Turn frozen bananas into magic, delicious soft-serve “ice cream.”

 

Turn frozen bananas into magic, delicious soft-serve "ice cream."

Literally one ingredient, vegan, and seriously amazing. Just blitz in the food processor until it turns into creamy joy, and customize if you’re feeling adventurous (a little peanut butter, maybe). Recipe here.

Source: food52.com

26. Silken tofu makes amazing, creamy chocolate pudding that’s dairy-free and low-fat.

 

Silken tofu makes amazing, creamy chocolate pudding that's dairy-free and low-fat.

Yep, yes, tofu. Mark Bittman’s recipe adds chile and cinnamon for a little Mexican kick.

Source: nytimes.com

27. Instead of drinking soda, add cucumber, lemon, or mint to seltzer.

 

Instead of drinking soda, add cucumber, lemon, or mint to seltzer.

Fresh!

Graphics by Chris Ritter for BuzzFeed.

How Color Can Confuse Consumers Into Buying Junk Food

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How Color Can Confuse Consumers Into Buying Junk Food

The food industry doesn’t want you to have simplified food labels—so they’re using every trick in the book to keep you uninformed.
March 21, 2013
How Color Can Confuse Consumers Into Buying Junk Food

Is that a food label or hieroglyphics? (Photo: Getty Images). 

There’s a kind of turf war going on over the real estate that is the front of the box of your breakfast cereal. And your snack crackers. And your candy bars. Really, over what you see when you first look at pretty much any packaged food head on.
 
If (like me) you’re a get-in-and-get-out sort of supermarket shopper, you may not have even noticed the neat little labels that have started appearing on the front of lots of foods. They seem utterly benign, taking nutrition info that’s typically relegated to the back or side of the package and bringing it up front: how many calories per serving, say, how much saturated fat, sodium and sugar—maybe how much calcium, iron or fiber, too.
 
But, as they say, the devil is in the details.
 
Despite calls by public health advocates and nutrition experts for more consumer-friendly labels (in the face of an American obesity epidemic where lots of people seem to think Froot Loops constitute a serving of fruit), the Food and Drug Administration has been moving at a snail’s pace toward regulation of “front-of-package” (FOP) labels.

Both Mark Bittman and Marion Nestle (a.k.a. perpetual thorns in the side of big food makers) have called for radical new labeling, with Bittman proposing a super easy-to-read label last fall in The New York Times that would, in a glance, communicate to consumers how nutritious a product is, as well as how natural and its social/environmental impact. The label is color coded like a traffic light: red, yellow, green. (No real guessing about the meaning of those colors.)
 
And, you know, the likelihood of food makers going for Bittman’s scheme is about the same as Cap’n Crunch being named to the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
 
A couple years ago, the Institutes of Medicine recommended that the FDA allow just four items on FOP labels: calories, saturated and trans fats, sodium and sugars. Then the food industry jumped in with its own “Facts Up Front” labeling plan.
 
You still get the four, but food makers then can add whatever they think you might like to hear, too. You pause because you see a product has, say, 500 mg of sodium per serving—but then you look to the right and see it has 10 percent of the daily value of calcium, so you toss it in your cart.
 
Critics of these relatively new labels say they confuse consumers—and now, it seems, it’s not just what the labels say that might be arguably deceptive. It’s what color they are.
 
Remember Bittman’s red, yellow and green proposal. Easy to understand, right? But what if there were no red or yellow. What if everything was just good, “all-natural,” “green-means-go” green?
 
As The Atlantic reports, Cornell researcher Jonathon Schuldt put FOP labels to the test. He asked a group of almost a hundred students to imagine themselves hungry and standing in line in the grocery store, then showed them one of two pictures of a candy bar. The images were the same, except the FOP calorie label (which said the candy bar was 250 calories) was colored either red or green.
 
We like to think we’re smart enough to outwit those wily marketers, but the joke may be on us, as Schuldt’s simple test reveals. Participants in the study were more likely to think the candy bar—the same darn candy bar—with the green label was healthier than the one with the red label.
 
Schuldt devised a similar experiment online, asking participants to rate how much they took the idea of healthiness into account when deciding what food to buy, then showing them candy bars with either green or white nutrition labels. Participants who had said healthiness was important to them ranked the candy bars with white labels as less healthy—but not the green-labeled candy bars.
 
Kermit was wrong: It may be too easy being green.

6 Words Advertisers Love (That Don’t Mean A Damn Thing)

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6 Words Advertisers Love (That Don’t Mean A Damn Thing)

Duh Marketing is when a product makes a claim so obvious that it’s inconceivable you thought otherwise. Like an energy bar that “Helps Satisfy Appetite!” or a Hawaiian Punch that “Contains 100% DV of Vitamin C per serving!” Did you know that 100% DV of Vitamin C is so little that it’s the actual bare minimum to avoid scurvy? If you accidentally drop a grapefruit in a corn syrup plant you’ll contaminate everything with 100% DV of Vitamin C per serving. Your grocery store thinks you are a moron, and here are 6 examples of how:

#6.
Real!

A lot of food claims to be real, but it’s never really made clear what the alternative to that is. For example, if you read the ingredients on a jar of mayonnaise and a jar of REAL mayonnaise, you’ll see they’re exactly the same– soybean oil, eggs, latex house paint, hog semen. If there’s any difference at all it’s usually that “fake” mayonnaise contains modified corn starch and xanthan gum– two thickening additives with the nutritional value of sawdust. They’re what you add to a vat when you want to turn 300 pounds of food into 500 pounds of food-scented pudding.

“Real” has very little meaning in food. You can say a cat food has REAL chicken flavor because your cat doesn’t know how to call you liar and cat owners are so used to puns that they can’t spot horrible violations of language. But sometimes “real” on a food implies actual legal classification and not that one or more ingredients were replaced with quick-dry cement.

For example, on a box of Chips Ahoy!, the words “REAL CHOCOLATE Chip Cookies” appears next to a worried cookie with a face that says he wasn’t ready to deal with the existential burden of finding out there was a debate about whether or not he was real.

A quick check of the REAL CHOCOLATE ingredients, and I see that it’s made of five things, no one knows what two of them are, and chocolate isn’t first. That’s like saying Tila Tequila’s breasts are “real” because one of them is filled with actual cadaver fingers.

From the FDA’s perspective, “real chocolate” means a candy with actual cocao fat in it, the thing that gives it its creamy texture and a melting temperature of human mouth. This doesn’t quite add up either, since a Chips Ahoy! cookie takes 3 weeks to break down inside a mouth and has the texture of ancient brick. If you throw a Chips Ahoy! cookie into the ocean, the sea level drops 11 inches around the world. They added a nervous face to their mascot to warn consumers that this food will put up a struggle if you try to digest it.

Aside from Chips Ahoy!’s obvious misunderstandings of the words “real,” “chocolate,” and “cookie,” there have been many controversial semantic arguments about what is and isn’t chocolate over the years. In 2007 the FDA tried to reclassify standardized chocolate to include products that had no cocao fat in it, and it quickly turned into a war. You might be able to trick fat people into disposing of political prisoners by calling their remains “McNuggets,” but don’t you dare try to call chemically flavored vegetable fat “chocolate.” After months, the FDA lost the battle and now if you replace cocao fat with a different oily by-product of man’s hubris you’re not legally allowed to call it chocolate. It seemed like a victory at first, but by the end of this sentence they’ll realize that they pissed off the organization in charge of regulating how much cockroach debris is okay to leave in a candy bar. One day they’re going to use food descriptions against us and force Chips Ahoy! to rename their product, “Mass insect graves and rodent droppings in bleached wheat flour.”

#5.
Fat Free!

Almost every sugary candy calls itself “A FAT FREE FOOD,” as if we’re idiots. Why would we think there’s fat in a Lemon Head? Is some mad man running loose in your factory and putting a drop of love handle in every box? Of course candy is fat free– it’s technically everything free since edible glue and corn syrup aren’t food groups.

Are you insecure, candy? Because you don’t see gravy bragging about being sugar free. This label is so irrelevant to consumer health that I think it’s only there so doctors can laugh when they ask you questions about how you got diabetes. If someone is really stupid enough to need a fat free label on their candy, it does more harm than good from a marketing perspective. They’re probably telling the clerk, “Red Vines are fat free? Fuck that, give me the pizza. I didn’t come to the movies to work out.”

And nothing’s worse than vegetables that are proud of themselves for not having fat. Way to go, fat free refried beans. You managed to get smashed into a can before a time traveler from the ’40s put lard in you. And while I’m on the subject, stop labeling things “vegetarian” when there’s no reason they wouldn’t be. The only thing that clearly labeled vegetarian products do is make life easier for vegetarians, and if that’s what they wanted, they wouldn’t have done hormone therapy to turn their penises into flowers.

#4.
All Natural!

After a lifetime of eating, no words mean less to me than “all natural.” A bottle of Arrowhead water claims to be 100% NATURAL* CALORIE-FREE. Why did anyone speculate that I’d think differently? Was there a conspiracy going around that their product was bottled android sweat? Outside of a hydrogen fuel cell, where does one even find unnatural water? Witch toilets? Arrowhead, are you implying that your competitors get their product from witch toilets? Because that’s fucking crazy, Arrowhead.

On that same bottle of what I assume was non-witch toilet water, I searched for the asterisk referred to by “100% NATURAL*” and it led to the explanation, “*100% Natural Ingredients.” Oh, ingredients. That clears it up, Arrowhead. I’d like to kick the shit out of bottled water marketers just to see how long it would take for them to describe it to authorities. “The attacker used pure, viking violence… his intentions as clear as an alpine waterfall I felt a 100% natural blend of pain* and discomfort.”

*Painful Bowel Evacuation

Of all the products meaninglessly described as “all natural,” I think I have the most problem with clam juice. What loathsome lack of ethics would allow someone to make synthetic clam juice? And how in the world would it be easier than making it the regular way? Do you hold a jar under a fisherman while he jogs? Do you milk a dumpster outside a Chinese restaurant? Any factory worker trying to scare a fish into peeing will tell you: artificial clam juice is more trouble than it’s worth.

#3.
Dermatologist Developed!

If you look at the label of most skin products, it will boast that it was developed by dermatologists. No shit? You’re selling a complicated combination of chemicals designed to rub on the skin, and at one point you consulted a skin scientist? I’m worried you felt the need to bring that up. Was your first attempt at hand lotion something a janitor found in his bathtub after a cleaning supply fight?

From now on, save yourself some trouble and only tell us who made your product if it’s not obvious, like if a school teacher(!) made your cold medicine or if actor Paul Newman made your salad dressing. When a lotion company advertises that it hired a dermatologist, that’s like an airline advertising that it hired a real pilot. Duh, Lubriderm. I fucking went to sixth grade. If you really wanted to give your consumers useful information, you’d tell them how long your product takes to transform from lubricant into paste during masturbation. And even then, my response would be the same: Duh, Lubriderm. I fucking went to sixth grade.

#2.
From a Non-Insane Source!

A lot of products brag that they come from a specific source. For example, almost all orange juice excitedly claims to be from California or Florida. And while those states sound mouth-watering, they also happen to produce 95% of all our oranges. So hooray, your oranges came from one of the two places oranges come from. If you really want to impress me, find me some that you grew in Detroit.

Domino’s Pizza has an entire ad campaign where they reveal to startled focus groups that their tomatoes come from tomato farms and their cheese comes from cows. Are we really that cynical that we thought evil pizza technicians were growing crops without sunshine and turning spiders into milk? Of course you bought your tomatoes from a tomato farmer, Domino’s– that’s like the fucking whole point of that guy’s life. And I assume it’s cheaper to do it that way than to develop some kind of sinister cloned tomatoes in a moon lab. We’re all glad you’re not wizards, Domino’s, but it’s kind of a dick move to assume we were crazy enough to think you were to begin with.

Hey, Domino’s, if you have to start an entire ad campaign to convince us that you use food in your food, maybe you should stop and think about how an entire consumer market was convinced that your sauce was made of pressed tampons and burned tires in the first place. Yes, I understand that with each of your pizzas we buy, we make it more and more clear that we know nothing about nutrition and flavor. Still, we know where tomatoes and milk come from. That’s not the problem. The problem is that by the time these ingredients get to our front door they also have toenails and a condom in them.

#1.
Less Fat, Asterisk!

Sometimes instead of declaring itself to have no fat, a product might brag that it has less fat. For example, Reduced Fat Jif has 25% less fat than regular Jif. Great job. So does a 3/4 full jar of fat. If you look at the nutritional information on reduced fat peanut butter, it just says, “It’s too late to care now, so scream the word ‘doctor.’ Your dumb ass is about to have a heart attack.”

Replacing 25% of your fat intake with maltodextrin is about as health conscious as finding a prostitute with a fake leg. Hilariously, if you look at a jar of regular Jif, its selling point is “Yes, Still 18 Ounces!” which really loses its impact when it’s on a shelf with 30 other brands of 18 ounce peanut butter jars and right above and below it are different sized jars of Jif. The word “nothing!” would actually make this retarded peanut butter’s point in 9 fewer letters.

Some products don’t even make it clear what they have less fat than. A York Peppermint Patty claims “As Always… 70% Less Fat!” Cool! I’ll cancel my situps! But after searching the bag for actual context, I found that their 70% less fat is 70% less fat than “the average of the leading chocolate candy brands*.” No fucking shit, York Peppermint Patty. I kind of figured toothpaste had fewer calories than nougat.

Still curious, I searched for the other end of that asterisk and saw, “*3 grams of fat per 41 gram serving vs. 11 grams of fat in the average of the leading chocolate candy brands.” I’m not a mathematician, but those leading candy brands are more than 25% pure fat. Do you want a medal for defeating that? If those figures described a man, nutritionists would categorize him as “obese,” and he’d be so easy to defeat that you’d have to give a discount to the billionaires hunting him. Oh, were the stakes not made clear to you, York Peppermint Patty? This hunt started five minutes ago and the dogs can smell your refreshing mint sensation from 14 miles away.

I suggest you run.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet when he made Seanbaby.com. You can follow him on Twitter or face him on Facebook.

Redesigning the Nutrition Label

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Redesigning the Nutrition Label: Here’s One Scientist’s Clever Proposal

Nutrition labels can be a little like art galleries, or condoms. We know where they are. We’re happy they’re there. But too many of us don’t bother using them.

So, we’re hoping you can help us change that. This is the last week for sending in ideas for redesigning the nutrition label, the mandated, standardized guide to the calories, fats, and sugars in packaged foods, that, as Fast Company’s Suzanne LaBarre put it, “has got the visual charm of a Microsoft spreadsheet and the readability of Beowulf.”

Our friends at News21 have helped us put together a talented team of judges, including Michael Jacobson of the Center for Science in the Public Interest.

In 2009, Jacobson proposed the above design tweaks to the current Nutrition Facts label. His subtle adjustments (PDF) point out just a few of the shortcomings of the current label—and highlight how changes to the label might make it more effective at changing the way we eat.

Rethink the Food Label is an ongoing collaboration with GOOD and News21. For more about the project, click here. Image via (PDF) CSPI.